My ED story on the surface.

As a trigger warning I just wanted to say that this post will talk about eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and self-harm in the form of starvation. My goal is to share my story of my struggle and to help anyone who may need to feel like they aren’t alone

Hi, my name is Sara and I play lacrosse at Muskingum University.

In January 2018 I began my struggle with food. The school year began after winter break and I found myself not only in a deep depression but my entire appetite depleted.

The school year started, I found myself at lunch and all that was on my plate was some lettuce and maybe three or four cucumbers. This was the meal I would eat at lunch, and would be the only meal I would eat three times a week. Breakfast was rare for me and dinner seemed to be nonexistent as I would bury myself in my pillows and my room would become my sanctuary, my favorite words then followed as “it’s okay, I'm not hungry” or “I already ate”.  Two or three months of this went by and somehow I was okay again and my appetite came back but I could no longer eat meat and my taste for almost anything was gone and even though I was “happy” again, eating felt more like a chore than anything else. 

March-April-ish 2018 I also began running at least 3 miles a day on the treadmill and my newfound love for lacrosse also kept me physically active. Too busy to eat anything more than a granola bar and even if I did want something more, my belly would refuse. 

Looking in the mirror I was stoked to see what I thought was close enough to “abs” to me. My weight loss was something I was so happy about and was excited to talk about. Most of the time nobody will say that what you’re doing to yourself is harming and impacting you so much. 

Throughout 2018 my eating habits got better but regardless I thought I needed to be smaller, if I was smaller maybe I could perform better, people will think I am prettier, and you are doing the right thing. Into 2019, I did teach myself to find foods that made me feel better but the range of my diet was rather slim outside of Olive garden pasta, milk, fruits, and vegetables. I would have to sit and stare at my food and give myself a pep talk about eating what was on the plate in front of me, most of the time there were tears before the meal and after the meal. 

Starting college in the fall of 2019 I was in love with what I looked like and was confident and so excited to be a college athlete and get even more “fit” than what I was at the time. The very small meals and small selections still continued and so did the crying and mental toll thinking about eating did to me. Give a lil shoutout to my freshman nutrition professor who taught me about intuitive eating, which looking back honestly started my somewhat of a recovery. Nevertheless, the struggle was still very persistent in my everyday life.  

I never thought I had a problem until when I started gaining weight and I showed someone one of these 2018 pictures and expressed how I missed looking like this and their response was, “You can see your ribs and you look unhealthy, why would you wanna look like that?”. That is when it all started to kick in but also the calorie counting and weighing myself everyday started as well. I was trying to manage any more weight gain.

We continue into 2020 and I am the heaviest I have ever been and I have no idea why this is when I workout and am actually eating more than I have in the past since my struggle started. I was eating more just like everyone had wanted me to do. 

Summer of 2020 I work on getting stronger and faster for lacrosse, this helped me lose the weight but also gain some confidence back and I continue to work. The next pictures from the fall semester followed a wave of tears about how ugly and big I looked and felt. The way I see my body will never change and if I don’t look an exact way then what I see is a failure and that I will never achieve my dreams and blah blah, as if that even makes sense right? How did my weight mean that I was not going to become successful in my academics, lacrosse, or life in general? It doesn't mean any of those things, but the thoughts seeped in any time they got the chance.

I began to bring up having an unhealthy relationship with food to my physician and their response made everything worse. “You need to eat 5x a day, 3 meals and 2 snacks”. Me, dumbfounded with a diabetic food nutrition list, leaving the doctors office feeling degraded cried the entire drive back to school. I felt like no one believed me and when I kept trying for help I received little to none. Finally I reached out to my athletic trainer and even though before the school year ended I didn’t get to meet with the dietitian, which was the goal at the time, I was telling someone. I was trying to get more help, and I learned that there is a greater base of people who care and want to help you than who don’t want to help you or that don’t believe that you’re suffering. 

And we find ourselves in the present. I am still struggling. I find myself missing the feeling of my stomach growling and craving the feeling to be hungry. Being able to be hungry and denying my body food seemed to be what gave me power. I still work on listening to the feeling instead of ignoring it. Intuitive eating has been such a blessing and has helped me tremendously in trying to learn  what is best for me. I still cannot eat three meals a day because I physically and mentally cannot handle it. It’s not normal for everyone, and that's okay if that’s you or if it’s not you. 

-This post has been extremely long and I didn’t include every single thing that I have struggled with during this process, but focused on the most recurring events in hope that someone else who is struggling will know that they are not alone and that it’s okay to have the ups and downs.

To leave you off, I just want to leave a few things that if nothing else, you take away from this post. 

-Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and just because someone doesn’t fit the stereotypical look that you have portrayed in your head, most of the time due to unconscious biases, doesn't mean that someone isn’t struggling.

-The struggle doesn't just disappear and it will come and go, but you can make it through. You do have to work through it, but work hard for the right reasons and a healthier mental state, and not a weight focused goal. 

-Please stop complimenting people based on their size because you don't know how they are achieving that “small” waist and whether it is healthy or not. Just because someone is bigger than you also doesn't mean that they are obese.

-You deserve to feel comfortable around food and you deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. 

• And finally one of the best things I have ever heard )credit to Virginia Tech Lacrosse player Mary Griffin's podcast @nota10podcast), your clothes work for you. The clothes you own have a duty to fit you, you do not have a responsibility to fit into them. You own them, they do not own you. 

Thank you for reading, you ARE a rockstar. Please never feel bad for me, there is no reason to and that is not why I share my stories. I want everyone to be able to live as they want and love themselves unconditionally.